‌Here, every battle is a matter of life and death for bowlers, where one torrid spell could end careers. Umpires and non-strikers under the constant threat of getting their heads blown off. Batters – to be fair are safer than ever, unless they are driving dangerously over the speed limit. Speaking of which, here is the star-studded cast of the all-action blockbuster show.

Prithvi Shaw

Mitch Marsh

I completely agree with Prithvi, but only if the world understood the hurdles that nepotism poses and the sheer strength it takes to fight through those barriers. My biggest fear is being remembered as that fat bloke who loves a beer – although apparently alluding to it helps a great deal – instead of going down as the absolute T20 legend that I have bloomed into.

My fears!? Oh boy, where do I start? I am easily the greatest batter in IPL history, the most consistent and perpetually devastating but nuh-uh I should keep zip lest I upset the overlords and stans. Getting caught cheating is definitely up there – wait, that one’s happened already. Let’s see, being remembered by lockdown kids as a Delhi Capitals failure or even a DC legend gives me the sweats, those Hyderabad days were something else. But I think my biggest fear would have to be the children growing up one day and realizing the absolute cringe I made them do for the sake of a few likes and followers.

Ishant Sharma

Ricky Ponting

Mate, will Sourav and Ishant just shut up already? God knows the hoo haa they’ll do when they learn about the spring in my bat but thank God for these new-gen internet junkies debunking the “theories” because not like Australians have a reputation for cheating right? 

What fear could be greater than carrying this circus parading as a cricket team and yet sitting on the sidelines for India because apparently ‘Sir’ Jadeja is a better T20 player? I really do be living my worst nightmare already.

Anrich Nortje

And now your host, Rishabh Pant

I need to prove my credentials for this show? Really? I literally flipped my freakin’ car over. Some stunts – I mean scripts write themselves. Can we begin with the stunts already, please?

RP: Welcome to Vishakhapatnam boys, a shift from our usual base camp in Delhi because what better way to ensure defeat than to place an underwhelming underachieving team in a new habitat and unfamiliar conditions – as if the management needed another excuse for failure? Anyway, I digress. The first task is as routine and basic as it gets yet looking at you lot, it might prove to be the hardest thing in the world. Win a game of cricket, as simple as that. Let’s get to it, first up is Punjab!

“What an innings by Abhishek Porel, 32 off 10, it has taken Delhi Capitals to 174/9!”

“Deposits that for six and that’s the winning moment for Punjab, set up by Curran’s emphatic knock and finished off with aplomb by Livingstone!”

RP: Nice tribute there guys to the colonial ages and their contribution to Delhi with Lutyen and all, that’s definitely what you were doing right because that loss HAD to be intentional. A win probably would have served the city better though? Anyway, I’m sure y’all will clinch it against Rajasthan Royals.

“What a pickup by Riyan Parag…another four, he’s finding all parts of the boundary…over mid-off this goes all the way for six, FIFTY for Riyan Parag, take a bow…OH DEAR, THE BEST SHOT OF THE NIGHT…Parag ends on 84 off 45 and suddenly, what looked like 140-145 has become a challenging 184/5!”

“Another one in the blockhole by Avesh and Rajasthan have won this one in some style!”

Kuldeep: We set that up perfectly, our prep paid off so well but…

RP: BUT WHAT?

RP: FINE, I’LL DO IT MYSELF!

“Lots of applause for that six-hitting by Pant…absolutely BLUDGEONS it…there goes the vintage Rishabh Pant one-handed special…Pant announces himself back into the IPL with a 50 off just 31 balls, a fifty that would be very very close to his heart…20 runs off that final over and it will please the Dhoni fans wherever they may be, but it is a first win in the books for Delhi Capitals!”

Mukesh: Great win but that knock was simply otherworldly!

RP: Haha, thanks Mu–

Kuldeep: Easily the best wicket-keeper batter India have had and will ever produce, an absolute legend! No one in the present era comes close!

RP: SHUT THE HELL UP RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND! Before my PTSD gets triggered and you ungrateful lot get a solid whopping, we better move on to the next task. The first points are in the bag, now the natural next step is to break an IPL record. It could be absolutely another thing but we NEED to get our name down in the history books and what better team to do it against than KKR!

RP: SERIOUSLY GUYS, THAT IS THE *ONLY* RECORD YOU GUYS COULD THINK OF?

Ishant: You never mentioned which record, so we figured which would be the most audacious.

Ishant: Hehe sorry, my Delhi ego kicked in at the end. But anyway, I did my job well enough with an economy of 14.33, what more could you want? Only Anrich and Rasikh had better numbers *smirks*

RP: THAT'S ENOUGH FOR AN EPISODE! Any more and I’ll have to return to Lilavati, bring out the teleprompter!